My favorite place that I have visited is the ISNA Conference, 2000. I was in school at the time and really did not want to go but decided to go anyway. Once I arrived, I did more observing than interacting. I travelled with my daughter and we stayed in a very nice hotel across the street from the conference. For the first time since becoming Muslim, I saw families together having fun. I saw fathers in the pool with their children laughing and playing. Everyone looked really happy and comfortable financially. When I saw these families, I felt really bad inside because that was not what I was accustomed to yet I knew it was right. I was a single parent and felt like I had been robbed of this same happiness.
I also attended really well organized workshops available to everyone. In addition, I observed young children (MYNA) performing skits and songs with open-ended drums. I also went to a fashion show that included women dressed correctly according to the rules of Islam. For the first time in my life, I was able to relate what I had read about Islam to what I actually saw. It was a bittersweet feeling.
This conference lasted three days. When I left, I felt rejuvenated and I felt lost, trapped, confused, unhappy, worried and desperate. I was nothing like any of these Muslims. I began to reflect on my own life and the choices I had made. I tried to figure out what I needed to focus on in order to care for my child properly as a single parent in Islam.
I learned a few things about myself. I learned that I had been brainwashed into believing it is more religious/ spiritual/closer to God to live in poverty. I learned that I was stuck in a rut and had been for the past eight years while I was married. After reflecting on this reality, I decided that I grew up with nice things and even if I did not, I do deserve to have nice material things in my life. Therefore, money has to be made in order to make purchases. In order to make the money, I would have to educate myself and work in order to provide as much as possible for me and my daughter.
So with eight years of baggage, where would I go from there? I was very tired-mentally and physically but I would have to address that at some point in the future. First, I had to find a job and I did just that. I was able to find an apartment based on my income and it was very nice. I still needed a car, education and to rid myself of the toxic baggage I was holding on to.
I will have to continue this story tomorrow, lord-willing.
So far, has anybody ever felt this way about anything I mentioned? If so, what where your experiences and how did you deal with it?
Let us hear your voice!
Much love,
Lamya Amatullah
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